Parents’ and teens’ feelings and blind spots: Are they really seeing eye-to-eye?

*Due to our partnership with ISSBD, for a limited time, Sage Journals has made the original academic article freely available  exclusively for readers of the Child & Family Blog.

Key takeaways for caregivers

• Adolescents’ daily mood swings relate to their broader emotional health, and parents’ understanding of their teenagers’ emotions can help parents provide valuable support.
• On average, in our study of Israeli families, parents tended to underestimate both the positive and negative moods their teens experienced daily.
• Fathers often showed less awareness than mothers of their adolescents’ daily emotional fluctuations.
• Adolescents often underestimated their parents’ positive moods and overestimated their negative ones.
• While parents recognized their teens’ levels of anger and distress as well as happiness and calm, adolescents struggled to correctly identify their parents’ specific feelings.
• Improving parents’ awareness of their teens’ daily moods can enhance support, strengthen relationships, and promote better emotional health for both parents and youth.

Most parents of teenagers will confirm that adolescence is a rollercoaster of emotions, dramatic eye rolls, and that ever-present feeling of being misunderstood. But what if that feeling of being misunderstood is not just teenage melodrama? What if there is a real disconnect between how teenagers feel and how their parents perceive those feelings?

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To illustrate, when a parent comes home exhausted from work, they may misinterpret their adolescent’s irritating behavior—like a grumpy tone or ignoring them—as mere mischief, failing to recognize that it stems from distress, such as conflicts with peers or academic issues.

As a result, the parent criticizes the behavior, leading the adolescent to see them as insensitive and to feel misunderstood and unfairly judged. Conversely, if both the parent and the adolescent understand that their behaviors are rooted in emotional challenges, miscommunication and frustrations can be resolved quickly.

Most parents of teenagers will confirm that adolescence is a rollercoaster of emotions, dramatic eye rolls, and that ever-present feeling of being misunderstood. But what if that feeling of being misunderstood is not just teenage melodrama?

In a recent study we conducted with colleagues, we dug deep into the emotional lives of Israeli adolescents and their parents, exploring how well parents and teens recognized each other’s moods day to day. The findings were a little unsettling, revealing potential blind spots that could undermine constructive communication between teens and their parents.

The study: Decoding daily emotions

Our team of researchers from the University of Haifa in Israel tracked the daily moods of 153 triads of mothers, fathers, and their adolescent children. Parents were heterosexual pairs, typically in their mid-40s or 50s, with a bachelor’s degree or beyond. Their adolescent children averaged 15 to 16 years old and were public school students; although our sample was too small to allow exploration of sex differences, half the teens were girls.

For seven days, all the participants reported on their own emotions (positive feelings of happiness and calm, and negative feelings of sadness, stress, worry, and anger). Parents and children rated on a scale of 1 to 5 how much they were feeling each emotion each day.

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Crucially, parents also reported on what they perceived their child was feeling and children reported on what they perceived their parents felt. This daily snapshot approach allowed us to identify parents’ and children’s emotional recognition in daily life.

Correct interpretation of each other’s emotional states is crucial for parents’ and teens’ emotional attunement, which refers to the ability to recognize, understand, and respond appropriately to another person’s emotions.

The big reveals: Where emotions get lost in translation

Our study revealed some intriguing trends:

• Teens and parents feel positive emotions more than negative ones: On average across all reported days, all participants reported higher levels of positive emotions than negative emotions. This suggests that despite their reputation for being gloomy, teens typically feel good in their daily life.
• Parents, especially fathers, may be missing the mark: On average, parents tended to underestimate both the positive and the negative moods their teens were experiencing. In particular, fathers seemed less able to recognize their adolescent’s daily emotional fluctuations. This suggests that some parents might be missing cues that their teens need emotional support.
  • Why does this matter? Previous research has linked adolescents’ daily mood swings to internalizing symptoms like anxiety and depression. If parents do not recognize these shifts, they might not be able to provide , which could exacerbate youth’s emotional health issues.
• Teens see their parents through a gloomy lens: In contrast, adolescents tended to underestimate their parents’ positive moods and overestimate their negative ones. This suggests they might have been seeing their parents through a filter of negativity.
  • Why is this happening? Parents may vent their frustrations at home or teens may tend to interpret ambiguous parental behaviors negatively. Whatever the reason, this negative perception could discourage teens from approaching their parents for support, which could increase their vulnerability to emotional problems.
• Mothers are more emotionally attuned: In general, mothers were better at recognizing changes in their sons’ and daughters’ daily moods than were fathers. This aligns with previous research showing that adolescents tend to have closer relationships with their mothers and spend more time with them. More time together translates to more opportunities to pick up on subtle emotional cues.
• Emotions can be a bit of a blur for teens: Interestingly, parents’ recognition of their adolescents’ daily mood was emotion-specific. For example, parents could somewhat differentiate changes in their adolescents’ happiness from changes in their adolescents’ feelings of calm. However, adolescents’ recognition of their parents’ emotions was less nuanced. For example, teens were less able to distinguish between their parents’  sadness and their worry. This might be due to teens’ lower ability to differentiate emotions or the fact that parents might be concealing their true feelings from their children.

The bottom line: Communication is key

Our study sheds light on the complexities of emotional recognition in families. Understanding these dynamics can help professionals develop more effective interventions to promote emotional well-being in adolescents and strengthen family relationships.

Our findings serve as a reminder that even in the closest relationships, emotions can sometimes get lost in translation.

As in all research, our study had limitations that have implications for interpretation. Our research focused on daily patterns of emotional recognition without probing for the context or pathways through which parents and adolescents learned about each other’s emotional states. In addition, participating parents were heterosexual; future studies should include more diverse parents.

That said, our findings serve as a reminder that even in the closest relationships, emotions can sometimes get lost in translation. By fostering greater emotional awareness and more open communication, our work can help teens and their parents navigate the ups and downs of adolescence with greater understanding and empathy.

As a parent, you may wonder if you and your teen are really seeing eye-to-eye. It may help to remember that a little bit of emotional attunement can go a long way, and that it is worth the effort to truly see and understand each other, emotions and all.

Tips for parents of adolescents

We offer the following suggestions for parents:

• Try to be aware of potential tendencies to misunderstand your teens’ emotional states. This may be especially useful for fathers.
• Try actively engaging in understanding your teens’ emotions by spending quality time, listening attentively, and asking open-ended questions to encourage sharing.
• Be mindful of how you express emotions, striving for clear and positive communication that minimizes the risk that your teens mistakenly assume you are upset or stressed.
• Work to strengthen the bond with your teens and understand their emotions; this will facilitate supporting them during challenging times and celebrating with them in the good times.
• Spend more time together as a family because family time improves everyone’s ability to interpret moods. Schedule family time every day for each parent to maximize their abilities both to understand their teens’ emotions and to communicate their own emotions to their teens.

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Conclusion

The findings of our study underscore the importance of emotional attunement in families. By improving their ability to recognize and understand each other’s emotions, parents and teens can foster stronger connections, better communication, and improved emotional well-being.

Active engagement, mindful communication, and quality time are key strategies for bridging potential emotional gaps.